An Insight into the Players Who Have Achieved a Milestone for Marlow Hockey Club
In anticipation of the Men’s 1st XI cup final appearance after 212 seasons, we’re providing an insight into the quality and dedication of the squad.
May I state at this point that we apologise to any players, coaches, staff, or management not included. This is due purely to us not bothering to include you. Sorry — I meant to say it was due to lack of time, and you are all very special.
Goalkeeper
Leo — a colossus of a man. When he stretches, he can stand ten feet tall.
Well… that was when he was on Harry’s shoulders — and Harry is seven feet tall.
What he lacks in size, he more than makes up for in ability. Once described as being like a cat: curled up on the sofa, asleep.
Defence
David — wonderful to see him running forward to join the attack. Unfortunately, we never see him running back. Once described as a soldier of the team… oh sorry, let me rephrase that — once described as “my little soldier” by his mum when he fell over.
Chappers — what a legend. Puts the fear of God into the opposition with his Scottish gravel, red hair, and — of course — skipping down the touchline. He has brought composure, elegance, and around a thousand aerials. The Wycombe umpires, in particular, really enjoyed talking about his performance.
Noah — goes up and down all day. Unfortunately, that’s in the swimming pool. On the pitch though, he does run a fair bit.
Archie — quick, light of hand, and focused… and that’s just his Xbox skills. A late call‑up to do Chappers’ and David’s running.
George Mann — apparently has an array of talents. However, we’ve yet to find any related to hockey. A shame, as he really is a very nice guy.

Midfield
Mike — once described as someone who runs a lot, which is really unfair as he also cycles a lot. Loves to have a “mature conversation” with umpires. No one knows why he then gets a card.
Robbo — like a general, right at the back behind the trenches, watching everyone else run around. Always looking for that cute pass to set up an opening. Unfortunately, he’s really good at just looking.
Paul Trice — referred to as the chauffeur. Not because of how he delivers the ball from A to B with no fuss and minimal time — but because he has a nice car and quite often drives Mike and Frosty to matches.
Ethan — the enforcer of the team: rough tackles, swearing, occasional fights… only joking. He never swears.
Mark — a great addition to the team, bringing skill, vision, and speed. Well… that’s when he brings his son.
Josh — loves playing with his dad. Mainly because his dad drives and pays for everything.
Fergus — what an honour it is for him, to let his dad play alongside him. He still can’t believe he gave up his skipping rope at seven — yet his dad hasn’t.

Strikers
Joe — joined halfway through the season and what a difference he’s made. We now have three school teachers in the team. Wouldn’t be a problem, but they insist we call them “sir” and tuck our shirts in. Joe’s been particularly valuable to the club since joining… because he drinks a lot.
George — started the season as elegantly as Richard Gere; finished it looking like Scarface. Sadly, this wasn’t down to a change in tactics or increased aggression — but because he decided to put his head in front of Saragar’s stick. Ten stitches and two scars later…
Frosty — often viewed as the Johnny Metgod of Marlow, with thunderous strikes from the edge of the D. One fine strike was at least the width of the goal line before he smashed it into the net. Once described by Keith Packer as the best centre‑forward Marlow has ever had — and we all know how much Packer knows about hockey.
Special Thanks
Coaches Matt Ashton and Hamish — thank you for the training insight and the bloody confusing words you brought to sessions. Words like scrape and cut.
Loved the enthusiasm — like trying to teach old dogs new tricks. Surely finding good umpires would be easier…
(Hold fire, umpires.)

Management Team
Once described as the closest thing in hockey to Bill and Ben. Clearly, this refers to Bill Shankly and Ben Stokes — not the Flowerpot Men, who have no idea what’s going on, speak a nonsense language known as “Oddle Poddle”, and say “flobbalobbalob” a lot.
Which, by the way, loosely translates to: “Frosty, just run.”
A special thank you to our Latvian fan club — we truly cherish your support.
On a serious note, thank you to all members of the squad. We’ve had a fantastic season in a higher division, and everyone contributed — including getting us to the final. Apologies to anyone not selected for the cup squad.
And finally, thank you to our umpires. We all know that without you, we couldn’t play the game…
Although, like most people, we’d quite like to try sometimes.

Analysis performed by Tim Frost